Day 38 – Thougts

I sat and thought a bit last night…

Thoughts that followed frustration at things that should really have not been a source of frustration. 

The first was as follows…

You’re frustrated but you know you will collect and leave regardless.  You won’t delay your progress south any longer so is the frustration actually rather misplaced and misfelt?  An answer that I am intrigued by.  Can you be calm yet frustrated?   A kind of serene anger that just needs a quick outburst and is then gone, leaving behind the commitment to what is being done or achieved.

The second is different…

Something is different about my mentality.  The few days of true wilderness, whether alone or not, has forged something deep within my psyche that I didn’t think was possible.  The greed for solitude in the mountains burns bright and the need for comfort is dim.

The final part is stranger…

I am consumed by a need to get closer to the end of this trail.  Contemplations of changing the route have occurred.  I’ve discussed it with Pete, Guido and Steve, but I know that deep down…  Deeper than the greed for solitude, is a fire so bright that it threatens to over take sensibility.  This feeling… This burning will not change until I am at the sign that points North and says ‘E1.  Norway ->’
The distance would be and is irrelevant.  I touched the start of the trail, and regardless, I will touch the end.  Obstacles are appearing on a daily basis, the seasons change, but still I need to move forwards.  Step after step, breath after breath.

It is how we were made.  He ability to move and express our true selves through the movement.  A characteristic that I seem to hold in high regard.  

All of the above are words before a moment of true clarity…

I tried to get in a hammock.  Somewhat effected by the alcohol coursing through my veins I just got in the hammock.

I am on the floor.  I am laughing out loud.    I return to the hammock, slower… More aware… and I realise something…

Something that pretty obvious.

We wander through our lives, busily blinded by what is there for us to have.  The sense of peace and a joy found in nature.  We just muffle its song with our devices and actions.  I lie on the hammock. I stare at the yellowing birch leaves above and I feel the need to remain  there.  I sleep.  Out in the open, in only what I have on and it feels strangely good.  The cold is comforting, the breeze a gentle whispered lullaby.  This is what I have denied myself in my decisions.  The simplicity of nature. 


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