Day 36 – Searching For Answers

Turns out the frustration, the anger, the rage…

All stem from fear and doubt.

Fear that my location, my route and the time of year mean that I will face a beast that bares icy teeth, and doubt.  Doubt that I am the right person for this task I’ve set.  

Then I watch a short film… Listen to the words of Johanna Nordblad… Think about what she has achieved and her words…

‘There is no place for fear, no place for panic and no place for mistakes’

And then more words…

‘There is nothing like taking a walk to make up your mind.  Or for making you accept an obvious solution, however challenging it might be’ Frederick Gros, Philosophy of walking

A few pieces of a bigger puzzle slot into place…

I need to harden my resol….

No I don’t. To harden is to become rigid, single minded.  I need to let go.  I need to allow events to take place and observe them.  Open and with a plasticity of mind that allow me to respond as needed.  I need to get myself in the cold for the next few days and get used….

No I don’t!  I need to be prepared for the changing conditions.  The loss of light, the need for a minimum pace through the  mountain passes.  

But there is no escape from the conditions once I am up there…  Lady winter cares nothing for my existence.

There is no room for fear, panic or mistakes.  I have no need to doubt myself.  I haven’t lost control because the control I had was an illusion that I created myself, to allow some sort of comfort, when in actuality, the mountains have been the controlling factor.  They decided the conditions, the terrain and the sources of food and water.  I just decided when to start and when to stop.  Nothing more and nothing less.

So, a promise and decision , from a mind that takes promises and decision seriously.  Gives them more importance than maybe they should have…

My goal is to let go.  Not to create the illusion of having released myself from the need for control but to truly let go and be.  Present in each moment, blending time passed into a palimpsest of experience.

No room for fear, no room for panic and no room for mistakes.  

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