There is only one promise to be made…
“I endeavour to cultivate my stupidity”
I may have to discuss this at more length at some point. 🙂
I’ve been wandering quite a bit….
Hold on. Actually, quite a bit is a massive understatement! I’ve been pondering ov r this endlessly.
How the hell did I end up in my current situarion or more to the point the road I appear to be on?
Well, it’s quite simple. Poor decisions, unplanned actions and a sense of morality that I’m confused by at points. Needless to say, I’m caught in a never ending loop. What I want is drowned out by what I want to do, how I live takes prescience over how I’d like to live and what I think has to be masked by the social and economical constraints of my position in society.
So why moan? Point is this…
The purpose of this blog has always been a silent sounding board. One that has no social or historical background to influence it’s involvement in what is in fact, a monologue. I will break from the mould set forth by others and perpetuated by the masses. It will involve hardship and sacrifice but once done and embraced is going to give me a sense of freedom. A freedom I feel was misplaced after summer.
I appear to be in a rut as it were.
I’m back at work, living the same as many other people on this planet, spending the majority of my time indoors. To make matters worse, I have stupidly made a minor injury worse, stopping me getting outside and doing what I enjoy the most.
I can’t help think about the Summer’s adventure and how free I felt. It wasn’t the easiest of times or the most comfortable, but there was a sublime beauty to the simplistic way of life I experienced. The frustration of being stuck in what feels an artificial way to live is overwhelming at times, and reminiscing seems to be one way to cope.
However, I am aware of being stuck in the past. Summer is over, the adventure is done and like other parts of life I have to move forwards, or I will be trapped in a loop that is likely to lead to some self made depression. So what on Earth would suddenly trigger the writing of this post?
An article about the Summer adventure by Ordnance Survey, has made me think about what it is that I’m doing with my life. I have gone from creating the mental image of what my life should be like, to losing it through no ones fault by my own choices, and now I feel like time is passing me by.
This is likely normal. A response to the change in my day to day environment and the inevitable ‘come down’ from the high of the Summer. So what’s the challenge here? Am I battling some inner demons or am I in some dark place of my own creation?
Well actually, no. I don’t believe we have demons, or dark places. They are a response to our current situation and environment and come about as a result of dwelling on the past and being overly concerned with the future. The past is the only reason the Summer adventure happened, I acknowledged the selfishness of my past decisions and the stupidity of some of my choices, so why am I moaning?
I’m moaning and being pensive because of myself. I’m the person who caused my current injury, I’m the person who is not being organised or motivated enough to get future adventures moving forwards, and I’m the person who has withdrawn from others.
So, its time to stop ruminating and carryout the change I know I need to. I’ve said it before and need to remember my own words…
“There are no demons, no gods and no masters”
We make out own decisions and our actions are a result of them.
There’s nothing special in this post. It is just a way to externalise something that is very slowly chipping away at my resolve, and maybe by externalising it I can start to redirect it. So, feel free to stop reading. These are just the words of someone feeling sorry for themselves and trying to stop the self pity.
Here’s the problem with these ponderations. I’m not running as often as I was.
The drive to get out seems to have been misplaced and I feel an old mental state returning. I have been aware of it for a while and instead of acknowledgement I have sought distractions. Just getting out and running doesn’t seem to be good enough, but I’m not actually going out to run! So is the mood a result of not running or is the not running a result of the mood?
In truth I have no idea, but I think my current lost mojo and mood comes from a few places. Discussions with an old friend about the past, the inevitable come down from a summer of experiencing freedom in a way I didn’t think existed and the remains of poor past choices.
“Why do I run?” is an important questions in dealing with the current low. I am not myself, and I know I run to return to myself and let the grime of modern living fall away, but how does one find their mojo when it has been misplaced?
I don’t know the answer and I’m a bit lost as to where to find the answer. Maybe I should stop feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I should stop looking to the past, screw the future and go back to living one moment at a time.
And there it is…..
I knew there was a reason to writing nonsense like this, and having those conversations with yourself that you can’t have with others, whether there are no others or they are not the people you’d like to speak to.
I run to help me find that feeling of living one moment at a time. In fact I run to return to the present and stop worrying about the future or dwell on the negatives of the past. It’s time to start climbing out again.
So why do you run?
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